


Making Sense of it All

by lasairfhiona



Series: Uncharted Waters [5]
Category: CSI:Miami
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-27
Updated: 2010-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-13 09:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/136018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasairfhiona/pseuds/lasairfhiona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horatio tries to make sense of everything</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Sense of it All

**Author's Note:**

> This is AU in that 1) it is set around 10 years in the future from the current season 2) everything up to the current season is fair game for inclusion but might not be canon through the current season meaning that I might not advance a character past say third season in their jobs or I might send them back to an older job 3) in my world Speed did _NOT_ die, and 4) Bob Keaton did not die, he went on to have a life with Suzie and Madison away from Miami as Mack Gerhardt 5) Ray, Yelina, Ray Jr. remained in Columbia and alive until the writing of this - I make no guarantees about them remaining alive. 6) a crossover with "the Unit" but only barely as I am using Mack Gerhardt and giving him a new history with a mention of the Unit but nothing else  
>  **A/N 2:** This will be a series of loosely connected stories. Some will be sequels some will be companions.

Horatio sat at the bar, draining another glass.  He was well on his way to another day of intoxication and getting an early start on it to boot. For some reason spending another day on the beach or the porch of his rented cottage in thought didn't appeal to him.  He didn't need to think about how he'd fucked up with everyone in his life or how he'd let them down.  The last six weeks had been proof enough of that. He'd spent the last however many days it had been now, sitting at this bar in this seat, getting drunk.  He wanted to end the pain he felt, but the alcohol wasn't helping.  Nothing was.  Part of him wanted to go home, go back to work, but the other part of him knew he had nothing to go back too.  A week of arguments and discussions led to Speed returning his keys and telling him not to come over again.  Another couple of days of trying to talk to him and cope with the fact he'd messed up yet again.  He almost had to laugh at the fact he was finally giving Stetler something to use against him and the IAB officer wasn't here to see it.

"Loser," he muttered to his glass not sure if he was talking about himself or Rick Stetler. The IAB man's vendetta against him was over but that didn't mean Rick wouldn't take his down if it wasn't warranted.

"Somehow I don't think that's the truth," the bartender said, setting a glass of water with a slice of lemon in front of him.

"What makes you say that?" he asked his words already slurred slightly thanks to his early start.

"The badge you play with when you think no one is paying attention."

"You think that just because I carry a badge, I can't be a loser?" he asked curious as to how she came by her conclusion.

"I know losers can carry a badge, I was married to one.  But if you were truly the loser you want to make yourself out to be you wouldn't take it out and look at it as if you were trying to decide whether or not you wanted to keep it." She surmised.  "I think it's more a case of you losing someone, maybe a partner, and you're trying to decide what to do next."

Horatio laughed.  She had figured him out. "You have no idea," he finally said taking a drink of the water she'd given him instead of another drink.

"Tell me," she said quietly.

"Where to start," he said with a snort. "My mother... My brother, twice."

"Twice?" she interrupted.

"Yeah...  He was undercover, a sting went bad. They said he was killed. But in reality he wasn't and I found out, reunited him with his family, and got them out of the country.  It took him ten years but he got himself into trouble again and got killed for real this time," he explained bitterly.

"Recently?"

"Yeah, a month or so ago.  I couldn't tell anyone, because no one knew he was alive. So first I mourn a brother everyone thought was dirty and now I have to mourn my brother alone." He took another drink of the water wishing it was the scotch he'd started off with.

"Is that why you are here?" she asked wanting to reach out to him.

"No entirely," he said hanging his head.  "Can I have something stronger?" he wasn't sure he could get through the rest of it without a drink.

"No. Keep talking," she instructed waving to the other bartender to take over for her and took a seat across from him.

"You are a sadistic bitch you know that?" he said with a bitterness he never used on anyone.

"So I've been told," she replied with a smile as if he'd told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world.  "I imagine not many people stand up to you. And I imagine there are even fewer who are willing to ask you what's wrong."

"There are a few." Thinking of the two people he trusted the most and how he'd betrayed them both in different ways.

"Tell me about them."

He laughed.  "Speed and Calleigh.  I wouldn't know where to begin."

"The beginning is usually the best. And you can tell me why you think you've lost them."

"How did you know?" he asked wondering what it was that gave his feelings away. He was usually better at hiding such things.

"I guessed. Now talk."

Horatio just shook his head at her bossiness but started to talk. "Speed and I have been on and off, but mostly on, lovers for the last 15 years or so but no one knows.  And then there is Calleigh.  She's my right hand, and besides Speed, my closest friend and a once-in-a-while lover too." He admitted.

"Wow swinging both ways, tough place for a cop to be.  Do they know about each other?"

Horatio laughed. "Yes and no.  Speed knows all about Calleigh because they are close friends too and she confides in him.  But she has no idea about him and me.  No one we work with does."

"Wait. Did you say "we" work with?"

"Yeah...  We all work together."

"That takes balls. No wonder you've got trouble. So tell me about them, start with Calleigh. Did she find out about you and Speed and get pissed?"

"Hell no, she'd want to watch if she knew," he said with a snort. "But she will feel betrayed by both Speed and me when she does find out and that will hurt her more than anything else and I'll really lose her when it happens" he finished sadly.

"What about this Speed?" she asked keeping his glass of water filled and sliding a bowl of popcorn between them hell bent on having him sober by the time he finished his story.

"That's a little more difficult," he admitted taking a handful of popcorn.

"How so?"

"He was in the middle without being put there by the sheer fact he was involved with me and Calleigh's confidant.  He finally got tired of hearing about my dalliances as he called them with Calleigh from her and not from me.  He was tired of being put behind everyone else in my life and told me to not come back until I knew what I wanted."

"Do you know what you want?"

"I thought I did, but I've let so many people down that I don't know anymore," Horatio admitted dropping his head into his hands.

"That's the first time you've said it out loud isn't it?" she asked reaching out to grasp his forearm and give it a squeeze of comfort.

Looking up at her, he accepted her gesture. "Yeah, it is."

"You're over the hard part. Now tell me about the others."  She patted his hand and reached for the pitcher of water to refill their glasses.

"My son, Kyle. I lose him every time he feels like he has to decide between his mother and me.  Sometimes it's months before I see or hear from him again and all I've wanted is to just be there for him. To be his father.  Then there is Maddy, my niece, she lives on the other side of the country and I never get to see her. She's with her parents and they love her but I miss seeing her."

"Something tells me you expect too much of yourself and you need to let yourself be human."

"Heh, how do I do that? I...  I don't..."

She took both his hands and gave them a squeeze and with a nod she told him, "Maybe you can start by opening up, letting the people standing behind you in."

Horatio pulled from her grasp and spun around on the stool. Behind him stood Calleigh, with tears in her eyes and her hand over her mouth, Madison looking very mature and Mack looking like it was all he could do to keep her from running to him.  "How?" he said barely sliding from his seat in time to catch Madison as Mack released her and she launched herself at him.

He stood with one arm around Madison and reached out to Calleigh so he could embrace her too.  He nodded to Mack over both their heads.  His eyes suspiciously wet.  "How did you find me?" he asked.

Mack laughed.  "Did you actually think they wouldn't find you with the bar tabs you were paying off each night on your credit card?"

"Point taken," Horatio conceded.

Calleigh turned when she heard her name called, "Yes?"

"Take him home.  He needs all of you right now," the bartender told her.

"I plan to.  Thank you,"


End file.
